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Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
4:05 pm - Strange
Um... Not that I've checked in a while, because I don't update here much, but it appears that I've acquired friends since the last time I've checked. Like, a dozen or so. Which wouldn't be weird except that like doubles my friend list.

I thought perhaps because I had started posting in a community, but nope, it appears that none of them belong to said community.


stuff for my reference, pay no mind. Collapse )

And, uh, hi and stuff. Since I rarely update anymore.

(1 flying leap | fly with me)

Sunday, September 20th, 2009
7:41 am
 I gotta say - I'm feeling a lot of disparity here. It feels unfair. 

current mood: pissed off

(fly with me)

Saturday, September 19th, 2009
7:16 am

 Well, blah.  And how sad for that to be the case.  I know, I know the reputation of soap operas.  I know I shouldn't watch. And really, I never did.  Well, okay, there was that year or two in high school that I watched Days.  But then I heard all about this storyline on guiding light, and I got into it, and I actually got into the show in general. And, you know, there actually can be some good story telling on soaps. Suspend judgment a little, swim in the shallow end, and keep in mind the schedule these people are running on, and it can be impressive.  

So, today ended Guiding Light. The longest running dramatic series in history.  I'm saddened just for the fact that it was killed after 72 years.  Show a little respect. And honestly, to replace it with a re-vamped Lets Make A Deal?  Thats just awful. Are there really people who enjoy that sort of thing? I'll give you that I like watching the price is right.  Why?  Well, it isn't because of the content, that's for damn sure. The first reason I like it is because it is just an institution in my mind. It's always been around. And I don't like it nearly as much with Drew Carey, because, being a sentimentalist, I want Bob Barker and his pet population control and skeevy leering at the models. Because it is his show. But the real reason I like it/watch it from time to time? Because it has nostalgic value to me. I watched this show with my grandma. We guessed the prices and 'competed' against one another. She liked it. So I, wanting to be like her, liked it, too.  But there is no way in hell I'm going to make time in my day to watch someone win prizes on a brand new game show. And I *love* wayne brady, and I still won't watch it. 

I know that soap operas are a dying breed. And yeah, more women are working out of the homes and so the market for them is not what it once was. But I am guessing that there are people out there who have a nostalgic connection to the show. They watched it with their grandmothers, their moms, etc.  And so, in my mind, if the show has to go off the air, it should do so in this grand and remarkable fashion, because, c'mon, oldest show on TV.  And it didn't.  There were a few nice moments. But mostly it just sort of whimpered off. And the storyline that drew me in was just completely annihilated. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder about the world that we live in and the people who have power in the world. Bring on Venice already. I am seriously going to have CC/JL withdrawal here for a few months. 

School/work starts next week. Gah. 100 new college freshman just aching to hate me and my class.  This summer went by way too quickly. But then, time flying is just the norm anymore. My son will be 2 years old a week from today. Seriously, the fuck? When did that happen. He talks incessantly. He counts to 20. He gets into everything. He's so big. It scares me that I'm going to blink and the whole parenting thing will be over already.  But anyway - back to school next Thursday. Which, yipee, means even less time to work on my dissertation. There are days I wish I'd get an email from my advisor just telling me that they've kicked my sorry ass out of the program, and thanks for playing. OK, I don't really want that to happen. Because I'm still not giving up hope on being Dr. Rack.  Because that is awesome. Professor by day, porn star by night. I am excited about being on campus again though, and seeing the people that I work with that I don't get to see much of over the summer.  I need to move my office, too.  I'm not hanging out where they put me.  Fuck that. I'm moving in with Lisa. 

So not only is my son turning 2 next Friday, but that is supposedly the day we'll close on the new house. Yes, fucking finally. I went today and it is almost complete. They're painting, they need to pour the sidewalk, do the landscaping, install fridge and laundry, and build the deck. I'm kind of scared to move Trevor in. Because it is so pretty right now. And he has a way of making things not so pretty. Hubby, too. Would it be wrong of me to wish they'd stay in this house. And I could come visit them here? yeah? Oh. Ok.  

I've met some of the neighbors - the people on one side are recluses, I swear, they have never waved or said hello, but on the other side they're nice and they have two little boys. But then I met a woman who lives up the street, and immediately it was "oh, well where are you going to send your son to school..." blah blah garbagecakes. I'm not into soccer-mom-one-upswomanship.  My son will go to public schools. I did and I'm 90% of the way to a PhD, and he'll be in a better school district than I was. My husband runs a $7M/year company and he went to the same public schools I did. It grates. It was her tone, you know? And her attitude. And the fact that we had literally just met. I spend so much time feeling like the anti-mom. 

I broke down and gave into the insanity and signed up for Twitter. I found a few things I want to follow (which I would check up on even before I joined), but I'm sort of at a loss. Because either the people I know aren't on twitter, or I don't want to follow/be followed by them. So should I even bother posting updates? I feel like it'll end up like this journal, more for my historical remembrance than anything else (and most certainly not of much interest to anyone else because my life is infinitely boring). Maybe I'll catch on in a few months. It took me forever to get into facebook. I'm so behind the curve. 

Well, I started writing that last night and didn't get around to finishing it. I recall there were other things I wanted to write about, but I can't seem to remember them right now. Must've been that dream I had last night.  I've been having some very vivid dreams lately. I don't know if it is that I'm not sleeping much, and so when I wake up I'm still in the middle of the dreams so I remember them.... I'd swear I were pregnant again, but I know that I'm not. Whatever. 

You know what I dislike about having a child? Birthday parties. Now I have to go to kids' birthday parties because I want people to come to my son's. So today I get to go to a 1-year old's birthday party. If I had nothing better to do, I'd probably not care, but damn it, I have packing/dissertating/cleaning/lesson planning/shopping I need to be doing. I could get a lot done in the 4 hours it is going to take me to go to this party. 

Well, speaking of children, I hear mine waking up. Maybe I'll remember the other stuff I wanted to post about later. 


(fly with me)

Saturday, July 4th, 2009
1:24 am
 Happy birthday... I miss you so much. I can't believe that a decade later this still makes me so very, very sad. Trevor, Scott, and I will visit later today... 

July already, really?  Still very little dissertation work done.  I need to get my ass in gear. 

I hope my dear old friend comes to the party tomorrow. It has been far too long. And I need more girlfriends in my life. 

I have been feeling blah lately, and I kind of think I know why, but I'm not certain.  Somehow, my body seems to know before I do that I'm depressed.  I go through this whole "oh-god-don't-make-me-eat-all-food-sounds-horrific-right-now" phase, and I'm totally in that. Let's be honest - it isn't the worst thing on earth - I could certainly skip a meal or billion here or there.  But if what is bothering me is what I think is bothering me (oh the cryptic!), then I've got issues.  Or, well, other issues, other than those I already know about. 

Speaking of issues, I have parent issues right now.  I'm so sick of it.  Believe it or not, I'm not a therapist.  And I am, well, a little busy - you know, dissertation, vacation, terrible-twos (he's an overachiever and has been in the terrible 2s for about  a month now), stress of housebuilding, family, students, strange-depressive-obsession, yada... so if I don't want to hear the same thing over and over from you, I'm sorry.  Despite what you think, I don't want to write you off, and embrace my rack family.  Couldn't be further from the truth. But you don't listen to me much, do you?  You take what you want to see, filter it through your garbage-colored glasses, and presume me to be someone that I am not.  It is irritating to me.  I'm not perfect. Neither are you. Can we move on now, please?

I... sigh... I just wish I had someone to talk to. Someone away from all of this.  Seperate.  Because I am confused, and I am feeling strange things, and because I am frustrated, and because... I just don't know where to turn with all of this.  

And I've had too much to drink tonight, so whatevercakes. Bacardi FTW, because it makes me happy  and giddy and introspective but inable to articulate all at the same time. 

I need you.  You don't know it.  And I can never tell you. Not really.  Because... I don't know. Things have changed. And I've changed. But some things don't change. And I want to talk about it.  But I can't.  

I need to go to bed. I have been sleeping way too little. 3 hours a night isn't going to get it done after a while. And it certainly isn't helping my patience.  Maybe I'll take a sleeping pill.  But I know I'm not going to bed yet.  Because there is still just too much going on up there. And falling asleeped to trying to make sense of all of this has long ag been deteremined to be impossible. 

Sorry for typos. Like I said, too much to drink - as all posts these days are. I never post otherwise because wtf is the point? 

current mood: defeated

(2 flying leaps | fly with me)

Monday, June 29th, 2009
7:01 pm
 Oh for fuck's sake. I hate Vista.  How long till October 22 so I can get Windows 7?  

Back from 10 days in Florida. It was wonderful to have a vacation, but wonderful to get back home, too.  Now I have all these emails to respond to from students who are ticked off about their grades. Seriously, I am amazed at the audacity of them.  I would *never* ask a professor to change my grade.  I figure, he or she is the professor, so I'm going to guess he or she knows the subject matter a little better than I do. 

While on vacation, Trevor-Houdini learned to escape from his play-pen, which we were using as his bed. I'm worried now about him escaping his crib.  I moved it so the low part is up against a wall, but given that he escaped it once, at 11 months old, I imagine it isn't going to be long before he figures out how to get out. I'm not ready for a big-boy bed. :(  He is growing so fast. And learning more and more by the day. He counted to 12 the other day - I was amazed! In fact, when I asked him how he got out of the bed, he looked at me and said "Jump." Like duh, mom. How else would I have gotten out of there? 

My new favorite thing out of him though, is that I will say to him, "Whats up JellyBean?!" and he responds "Wha-up Jay-Bean?!" It is adorable. 

So now that summer has arrived, I need to get back to work on my dissertation. I just have no motivation. I hate it. I want it to go away. I am pretty quickly running out of excuses and other things to do instead of it. 

I reread both HP&THBP and My Sister's Keeper while on vacation, so now I'm excited for both of the movies to come out this summer.  :)  

Oh, the angst this week on my soap!  I don't know why I keep watching. I take it way too seriously.

Jumble jumble jumble... I try to keep writing here because there are definitely times that I like to go back and reread about what was going on in my life at times, but I just can't seem to find much inclination to write these days. Nothing of any depth that actually tells me what I am thinking or feeling. I sometimes wonder if that means more than that, or if it is just boredom/lack of motivation. Like, is there stuff swimming around in my brain that I am actively avoiding processing? I was reading something earlier today about how you can avoid thinking about something to make it not true - like, once you think it, you can't take it back and unthink it.  Something seeping into the edges of consciousness and you barely recognize it, but you know enough to metaphorically change the subject in your mind to keep from having to deal with it.  Maybe not.  Maybe.  I sometimes miss talking with my therapist, even though I only saw her for a semester.  I felt like I made progress at the time for sorting out things. And because we met for such a short period of time, there were a lot of things we never got to.  The thing is, though, I'm not even sure how much she really advised me. She mostly just listened. And I talked, and talking made me think through things, to witness them outside of myself, to admit them, to own them, to impose structure and meaning. And so, theoretically, I could do that here, right?  But I don't. 

Oh, the house.  Is anything ever going to go right on that front? I don't even want to start down that ranting path.

Jason - if you read this, email me the dates you are going to be at the lakehouse this summer so I can put them on my calendar. :)  

(fly with me)

Friday, June 12th, 2009
11:56 pm
 Friday night all to myself.... hubby in Boston... Trevies at mom's. Just me, my bacardi, my basic lights, and catching up on my gl and my ff. mmmm sigh. While I love my son and my husband, this is exactly what I need. I have a ton of grading to do, but nope, not tonight. Tonight is mine. :) One or two more and then I'm off to my glorious bed. 

current mood: relaxed

(fly with me)

Monday, June 8th, 2009
4:43 pm
Scott and I took Trevies to the aquarium today and it was such fun.  He is really starting to be so cognizant of the things going on around him. It is like he is a little person now, instead of a baby.  His vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds, his memory is improving, and he can perform physical tasks that amaze me.  I haven't been around enough children to really know how he compares to other kids or with what he is 'supposed' to be able to do at this point, but I swear that he is utterly remarkable to me. I feel so fortunate to be witnessing his growth and development. And god, he makes me laugh.

They have *finally* started building my house. Praise Jesus and all that jazz.. They still haven't figured out the financing of the construction, but I don't care. We basically gave them an ultimate to start building the house or to give us our down payment back so we could buy a different house. That got them in gear. Of course, I told Scott we should have done that months ago and maybe we'd be that much closer to having it completed by now.  But, regardless, it has begun and I can stop being an evil bitch to everyone on earth. Because that is what it was coming to. They have excavated the basement, poured the footers, and have put up about 1/2 of the forms to pour the concrete for the basement walls.  They origianally told us it would take 5-8 months to build the house, which kind of sucks because that means we'll be moving in the middle of winter and the school year, but Scott seems to think they'll be able to finish it sooner than that.  With the economy the way it is, they aren't building a ton of houses, and the weather is much more cooperative in summer than in the months following October, when we signed the paperwork.  So he is optimistic that we'll be in by the start of the school year at the end of summer.  Optimism has never been my strong suit, but that would seriously be awesome if we were. Because 1, I wouldn't have to move during the school year, and 2, I could have Trevies birthday party there!!

One week of school left, exam week.  I am ready for this quarter to be over. I loved having the opportunity to teach an extra class, especially one that I have not taught before, but it was a whole lot of extra work and grading. I haven't had the change to work on my dissertation in weeks.  OK, I probably had a little time here and there, but after all the school work and Trevor and everything else, when I do have free time I just want to enjoy it. Not write about death.  But I do need to get back on it this summer, with a vengence no less.  I need to graduate by next year. I'm tired of draggin this out. I don't want to try to think about having another baby before this is done or at least the end is tangibly in sight.  So after I finish all the stuff for the end of the year, I'll have a few days to get back into my groove, and then Scott, Trevor and I are going to Florida for 10 days.  We need a vacation badly. He's been having a really tough time at work, and we've both been a little shorter on patience and kindness lately than I'd like. So this will be a great chance to relax, recharge, reconnect, rewhatev. Although there is a little part of me that is freaking out about not seeing the house progress for 10 days. Trevies and I drive by every day to see what they are doing. :)  I can't help myself. I am so very excited.

I heard from a very old and dear friend today and it makes me happy.  She and I were especially close for a long time and I've always been sad that our lives drifted in different directions. So it was a nice treat to hear from her and I am hoping it means that we can get back in touch. I know we're both very different people now than we were so long ago, but I'm hoping it doesn't change the fact that we were friends and maybe could be again.  While I adore being a parent, the one thing I do sort of miss is my friends. It is just so damn hard to find the time or energy to hang out. It seems like the only ones I do see are those who don't have children yet, because their lives seem to be much more flexible than those who do have kids.  

OK, well I wrote that Saturday night and never got around to posting it. Trevor's new level of awesomeness: "one, two, three, four, five, seven, nine, ten." :)  Yeah, it isn't perfect, but it sure is cute. 

Two more days of school this week - long days, with lots of exams, speeches, and extra credit to grade, but I am so set for this summer to begin. I think this Friday Jen and I are going to take the boys to Kings Island, which will be all sorts of fun given that I haven't been in 5 years. Maybe 6.  I can't recall. It has been a long damn time, I know that. 

The writing above got me to thinking about old friends and the people whose lives have come and gone out of my orbit. I've recently been trying to get back in touch with Angie, and we managed to have dinner together back in March, and we've been trying to schedule another one for weeks now, but it just seems difficult to find a time that works for both of us.  It makes me somewhat sad, given that she and I were so very close for a long time.  There was a year where, even though we weren't, we were pretty much roommates. I get that that isn't feasible now, but it does make me sad that we went from spending so much time together, being close, talking all the time, to rarely seeing one another. I'm hoping this summer we can start to remedy that because I miss her. I still see Nicki every 2-3 weeks, but I miss the young  us, too.  It was so strange - the other night we were all sitting around outside, and Jen and I got to laughing uncontrollably about an old Nicki story, and the guys were just looking at us like we were insane. And it makes me sad that they never got to see that side of Nicki, before it seems like everything in her life went in the wrong direction. I still see glimpses of it sometimes, but then it is just infused with this sadness and heaviness and stress.  When did life become so complicated? And of course, it isn't just Nicki and Angie - there are lots of people along the way who were important to me, who influenced me both for better and for worse, and I wonder what they are doing and where their lives have taken them. I wonder if I've become someone different to them, or if they even think about the friendship we had? Do they ever miss 'the old me'?  I think it is so difficult to see change within ourselves because it is gradual and it feels normal and we always think we know exactly where we are going. But realistically I know that I'm nowhere near the same person I was when I started college, or even when I graduated.  I feel like I've made some improvements but then I feel like I've lost parts of me that I, at one time, would've thought were fundamental to who I am.  And I'm sad about some of those, but not all of them.  In another ten years, will I recognize myself as in any way similar to the person I am today? 

I don't really know where I was going with that.  Maybe I've just been feeling a little lonely lately. Or cooped up inside. As much as I love my family and spending time with them, it sometimes becomes too much and I do miss having the freedom and the time and the liberty to just to spend an evening out with friends. Scott and I need to do that more often. Because sometimes the monotony becomes too much to take, especially if you don't have a lot of non-work outside interaction to take your mind off of it.

Time to get to grading. 

(fly with me)

Monday, April 27th, 2009
9:40 am

I am giving this stupid bank/builder until May 15th to get their shit together. The second bank we met with weeks ago, they have been jacking us around. They won't even tell us what rate they'll give us. They repeatedly tell us they will call us "at the end of the week," stupid me presumes that means the end of the week that we are (were) currently in.  At this point, I'm starting to think they will call us at the end of the 47th week of 2012. Hey, it will be the end of the week, right? :P 

Scott finally got someone to return his call a few days ago, and the bank man says that all our credit checks out, and he talks to the builder every day. He's waiting to hear back from the subcontractors the builder uses. I have no idea what on earth they need from them, but I find the 'calling-every-day' story to be jack, because my thought is this. If I were Ralph (builder) and there were these two wonderful people who gave me 40K last OCTOBER as a downpayment to build them a beautiful house, and they wanted to give me lots more money, I'd find a way to call my fucking subcontractors and tell them to call the bank back. I'd tell them that if they'd like to continue getting to work for my company, they'd call the bank. Seriously, this takes 3+ weeks?! 

I am beyond frustrated.

So, yes, May 15th deadline, though I will be utterly heartbroken if I do have to give up on this house because it is perfect and I love it and I love the location and the school district, but this process is ruining my life. I can hardly work on my dissertation because I have nowhere to work in this house. I can't clean my house because I have nowhere to go with all the stuff that we have. I am pissed off, ALL THE TIME, because just for once I would like for something to work the way it is supposed to.

So, I've been starting to look for other houses... makes me sad. Jan 08 when we started looking, there were 5(!) houses for sale in the neightborhood we wanted to move to. Now. Zero.  In fact, there aren't many houses at all that I've found that I like. I found one, it is 50K more than the one we would like to build, further from school, work, babysitter, family, etc.  But at least it is a possibility.


But otherwise.

Today I get to pick up Trevie's 18 month old photos! I can't wait. I had them taken about 10 days ago and it feels like it has been taking FOREVER!  Normally the studio I go to prints them off at the store, in about 20 minutes. So this whole waiting thing is driving me crazy. I want my pictures! 

I have Trevor and Evan today... I used to have two-boy tuesdays when I kept Asa, or sometimes Wild Wednesdays.. I can't figure out a good name for Mondays.  I'd say Manic Monday, except Evan is the calmest, quietest, easiest child I've ever encountered. He just likes to look around and smile.

We had our first softball game yesterday, and as was expected, we were run-ruled because we suck awesomely. At least my team t-shirt says Dr. Rack. :) So, yeah, not true yet. But I still like seeing it.

Speaking of, I got a new committee memeber on my dissertation.  There is no way I will defend my prospectus by May. She goes on sabbatical this fall. So I hope I can defend sometime this summer, which Steve tells me I won't be able to do since Brant hates meeting in the summer.  I'm hoping he'll make an exception for me.

I seriously need to stop having those dreams about my friend/office mate. Its disturbing.
I made delicious brownies yesterday. They are beckoning me. Is it wrong to eat brownies for breakfast? What if I had one with milk? Milk is a breakfast food.

Time to play with two adorable little boys.

(fly with me)

Friday, April 3rd, 2009
8:33 am

Its been a long time since I wrote anything.  I used to write. Really write. Meaningful things. Deep Thoughts. I don't really do that anymore. Mental peak happens around 22, right? So I guess I'm slowly wasting my mind away. 

Thing is, it has been so long since updating that I sort of forget how to do it. Or what to write about. 

My sister had a son 4 weeks ago, so I have a new nephew and that is beautiful and exciting. While I love that Jen and I were pregnant together the first time and had our children so close to one another, I do feel like I missed out on some important bonding with Asa since I was always taking care of Trevor. So now I'm giving Evan major cuddle time and I love it. Hope he does, too. Trevor and Asa are very fascinated with the babe. They look at him endlessly, saying "Baby! Baby!" In fact, Trevor in general seems to be in a particularly repetitive stage. For example, he'll wake up in the mornings and start playing with the toys in his crib. So the other morning I went in there and he was holding his elmo, just saying "Elmo! Elmo! Elmo!"  He also repeats "Truck!" over and over and over. 

I met with my advisor a week ago. He's infinitely patient with me, but now he wants me to defend my prospectus by the end of May, and I see no way on earth that that could possibly happen. Maybe if I weren't teaching 4 classes, one of which is an entirely new prep... but I am, and so after working all day doing those things, I just don't want to come home and ignore my family to work on my dissertation. Last night I went out with some friends from school, one of them being my MA Thesis advisor, a man I deeply respect and also a man I'm pretty terrified of. I don't want to let him down. So he went into the whole "you have to finish, you can't give up, you need to keep working on it, you need to finish in a certain amount of time or they won't let you graduate...."  What a buzzkill. Later in the evening, as I was saying goodbye, he told me that I could call him Stephen instead of Dr. Haas.  I appreciate it, because he is pretty full of himself, but I also feel like I can't really call him that until I get my own Dr. in front of my name. 

My stalker-girlfriend-student is back. :P She wormed her way into my persuasion class. And she's also taking Kris' class, and when I saw Kris at happy hour last night, she was telling me how Katie introduced herself and went on raving about me. Sometimes I think this is amusing, but then sometimes I really do worry about it. I struggle with what to do because she is so enthusiastic about the subject matter and she loves to talk about it and ask questions, and as a teacher that is just so rewarding and fulfilling and wonderful. But then... I don't know. 

So they STILL haven't broke ground on our new house. We're having all sorts of trouble getting things with the loan straightened out. We applied for a loan, got it, locked in our rate - all of this was back in November. The rate had a 240 day lock, which mean the house had to be built by July. I didn't think it'd be a huge problem because they told us that it normally takes about 5-8 months to build the house. Well, here it is april and they haven't started. Because they're saying we need a construction loan, not just a permanant loan. But no one told us this along the way. But whatevs, we go out and we try to find a construction loan. Ha! The market has tightened even more since we applied for the first loan, AND construction loans are risky. So we're told that we'll need to put 35% down to get a construction loan. Are you kidding me? Don't they think that if we had that kind of money we'd have put more than 10% down to start with? So now I don't know what is going on. This other bank told us that they would work with us, but they haven't told us what rate they will give us and they want to do both the construciton loan and the permanant laon. To lock in our rate at the first bank, we had to put down 1% of the loan that would later go towards closing costs. If we switch banks we lose that 1% plus the $700 application fees we had to pay. So I don't know what we are going to do. We're supposed to go meet with bank #1 today to see why on earth they just won't do the construction loan, and then depending on how that goes, I guess next week we'll go meet with bank #2.

I just find this terribly frustrating. No one told us that we had to have this type of loan, obviously we would've asked for it the first time around. But the salesguy and the woman at the bank who knew the builder we were working with, no one ever said a thing.  So I've been thinking all this time that the timing would just work out perfectly, we could move in in June once school is out, I'll have the whole summer to get everything organized and decorated, and then at the end of the summer we could have a kickass birthday party for Trevor there.  Now there is no way it will be done in that time. I'll be having to move in the middle of a school term, probably in the middle of winter. It is so irritating. I'm so frustrated being in this house any longer, we've outgrown it, I don't have a real 'work space' to work on my dissertation which makes it even more difficult to do. 

Trevor is doing amazing in gymnastics. He adores it. We start our softball league in a couple of weeks. I know we'll be terrible, but at least it will be fun to get out of the house on Sunday afternoons. Trevor is also getting very verbal... i've been meaning to make a list of the words that he says: Mama, dada, asa (ace, usually), papaw, mamaw, amy, mel, jojo (strangely he calls my sister jojo... which is my family nickname and what asa calls me?) elmo, oscar (osc), bert, cook (cookie monster), bird, monkey, bear, book, block, apple, bean-bean (green bean, lol), roeroeroe (cheerio), bye-bye, hi, truck, car, boat, choo-choo, bike, bus, wheel, round and round, beep, arm, head, hair, ears, nose, belly, feet, piggies, hands, mouth, up, back, yo-yo (yogurt), milk, juice, socks, shoes, side (outside), mine (oh how I wish he hadn't learned this one!), oink, growl, meow, arf,.... I'll have to come back and update when I think of others.

Yesterday a guy here was convicted of drowing and killing his wife. This guy went to my highschool and was a year behind me. Scott used to play basketball with him.  About 18 months ago, one of Scott's friends (not best friends, but still a guy he knew pretty well in high school/early college, they were the same grade at the same school) was convicted (and admited to) killing his wife. Seriously, wtf with all the wife killing? It is a little unnerving.

Well, I have been writing thiss off and on this morning, and i just took trevor over to Scott's mom's house so I can have some time to work on my dissertation. Better get on in then.

ETA: I've remembered a couple other words: animal, duck, quack, haley, ball, baby, dae (dae'sean), pants, pee, potty, pook, ni-ni (night-night)....

(1 flying leap | fly with me)

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009
5:25 pm
 So.... HP called today, and guess what? There is nothing wrong with the computer. :P So they think it must be the a/c adaptor. Which I *told* them was probably the problem because the tech support guy was describing what the a/c adaptor was supposed to look like, and mine didn't look like that!  So rather than just sending out a new one, nope, they send me that stupid box and make me send the computer back. So now they tell me I can expect to get the machine back on March 4th. Seriously? Do you think for all this hassle you couldn't just next day air it? or 2nd day air? I'm supposed to be writing a dissertation, bastards! 

Jen is going to be induced a week from today.  She had wanted to wait to go naturally for maternity leave issues (she's got to go back to school for a  few weeks after her ML and wanted that time to be as short as possible), but due to the single umbilical artery, the doctors are worried about a stillbirth and they want to induce her so they can more carefully monitor the entire labor. So I asked my officemate to cover my classes for me that day so I can go to the hospital. Oh, I *so* hope that I'll be able to see the baby born.  I was at the hospital for most of Asa's labor, but the doctor was afraid Jen was going to need an emergency c-section, so they prepped her for surgery and asked everyone but eric to leave. I am 85% it is going to be a boy. But I guess we'll see. 

Poor Trevies hasn't been eating too well the last 2 days. It breaks my heart because I know he must not be feeling well, because normally he loves eating. Loves it. loves it. doesn't matter what it is. But he is still acting rather normal, maybe not sleeping as well as usual but he seems quite happy, energetic, playful.  Given his size, I don't think missing a meal or two is going to do him any harm, but I can't help but worry. 

(4 flying leaps | fly with me)

Friday, February 20th, 2009
10:02 pm
 I feel a need to talk to somebody.  And I just don't know who.  I have so much on my mind, so many thoughts racing and differing interpretations of events, confusion and guilt and anxiety and... I don't know. Everything. It is taking an enormous toll on me. But, not your problem, right? I realize I could vent here, but I'm not sure I want a permanant record of all this bullshit. 

So. move on, then, move on. 

Speaking of moving. Today we had our final preconstruction meeting with the builder, and weather permitting (though it is supposed to snow tomorrow), they'll break ground next week on our new house. And I'm telling you, it is not a moment too soon. I am so fed up with this house. A lot of little things are starting to go wrong. Nothing major, but you have enough little things start to add up, and add up, and add up, and then you end up sitting on your bathroom floor sobbing uncontrollably and unable to explain why. Or maybe that just happens to me. 

But we got to see all the finalized drawings and I'm so very excited. 

The other day my officemate and I got to talking about Wicked, and that got me back started on my Wicked obsession.  Listening to the CD endlessly, reperusing the book, reading fanfic (I wish I had the patience/time to write fanfic), searching for tickets to see when ithe theater production will be playing again around here so I can see it once more.  I saw that it is coming to Indianapolis in June, so I'm going to keep my eyes peeled for when the tickets go on sale. 

Blargh... such superficial ramblings to pass the time. 

Grey's Anatomy last night. Major suckage. Seriously, wtf? 

...  I miss tara. I felt like I could tell her anything. I need someone right now that I can tell anything to. 

current mood: melancholy

(1 flying leap | fly with me)

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
9:37 pm
 So today I held office hours all day, inviting my students to come in to see me to talk about their next round of speeches. Instead of parking in the garage like I normally do, I parked on the street in front of campus. Normally I don't get many students coming in to see me, and since the weather was nice today I figured it would be nice to have a reason to walk outside for a few minutes every 2 hours to feed the parking meter. 

At one point, I had two students come in at the same time, and of course this was when I was getting ready to walk outside to feed the meter. I crossed my fingers that in the few minutes before I could run down there, I wouldn't get a parking ticket.  So I help the girls out and then dash outside.  I see a guy lingering by my car, but pay very little attention to it, because I see a meter officer writing out a ticket to the car in front of mine. So I start hurrying, but I have on heels and it is a bit of a walk, and I'm wondering if I can get there before he finishes ticketing the car and notices that my meter is expired, too.  

When I get down there, I see that my meter reads 1:59.  That guy that had been momentarily standing by my car had put a quarter in for me to keep me from getting a parking ticket. He was long down the street by then, and I didn't even get a good look at him to try and find  him to thank him.  But I thought it was the kindest gesture from an utter stranger. In a world that seems to be so full of evil, I just walked back to my office, flabbergasted and wondering why I could do for someone to pay it forward. 

... One of the reasons, though not the only, that I haven't updated much lately is because my laptop has quickly become just about entirely out of commission.  The motherboard is starting to disconnect, and so I have a very hard time keeping the A/C adapter connected, and the battery isn't in the best of shape either, so I've barely been using it.  So after hemming and hawing for a while, I decided to finally order a new computer. But then I couldn't decide if I wanted another laptop, a desktop, an all-in-one.... It was overwhelming. So it took me like 10 days to decide what to order (I ended up with an HP IQ500 series).  So I order... and wait. And wait. They have to build it. Then they ship it. It leaves their facility on Thursday night, and on Friday it arrives in El-Paso.  And then it sat there. Finally on Tuesday it left El Paso and ended up in Ft. Worth. Really? It took 4 days to get from El Paso to Ft. Worth?  So then finally Friday it arrived.  And on Saturday I decide to set it up, so excited to check out the touch screen and all the spiffy features. And...The damn thing won't turn on.  So I call customer service. Their solution to the problem is that in 2-4 business days they'll send me a box. And then when the box arrives, I have to send the computer back. And then the'll verify that it doesn't work. And presumably build me a new one. And then take another 8 days to ship it.  Sigh.  I'm not happy about that. So on Saturday I was explaining how it wouldn't work to my dad, and he was kind enough to bring me over a laptop that I can borrow until my computer gets in. 

I have done utterly no dissertation work.  I am a failure. 

I have a crush on my office mate. 

I got a ton of hair chopped off yesterday, and I think it looks supercute. I also started going lighter again for spring/summer.  I can't believe how different it looks. I had gotten used to it being a darker shade (OK, still a lot lighter than my natural color, but darker than what it had been in a long time). 

Trevor is adorable. And hysterical. And brilliant.  For Valentine's Day I bought him a black button down shirt and a pink and grey tie and took his picture to make photo valentines. He looks like a midget rockstar with his wild hair. I actually took him to get his hair cut about 3 weeks ago, and the line was too long.  I was secretly thrilled.  I don't want to cut his hair. His little curls are just beautiful. 


current mood: geeky

(1 flying leap | fly with me)

Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
7:40 am

There are days that I love my job.  Then there is yesterday.  Some of the speeches I had to sit through:  How to Make A Bed (because, you know, at 20, these kids probably haven't learned that yet.); how to do a bench press (grab, down, up... how do you expect to fill 5 minutes with this?); How to Play Beer Pong (cause that is ethical given a class full of underage students); How to Survive A Zombie Apocalypse (his suggestion? Go to Bass Pro Shop.  I'm not kidding. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried). How to improve your golf game (cause golf is clearly all the rage these days among college students); How to Be A Couch Potato (the sexist bastard even had an entire point on how you have to keep your parents or your girlfriend around to get all your food and drink for you).  And my very favorite of the morning:  How to Fail Speech Class, complete with offensive comments about the professor [me]. I am baffled at how they treat not only me but other professors in the department.

We had another massive round of snow last night.  Just as the last foot was starting to finally melt away.  I love the snow, hate the cold. I took Trevor sled riding a few times last week and he just LOVES it. He loves the snow in general. He climbs up on the chair, looks out the window and yells "nnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooow"  which is how he says "snow."  

Scott and I met with the house people again yesterday and got to see the renderings of what the house will look like when completed. :) We have a preconstruction meeting again on Thursday, they're hoping to get the building permits back by next Monday, so hopefully that means they are going to start soon.  I want to move!!

I finally get the software to start working on my dissertation, and guess what happens? My laptop is on the fritz. It has been for a while but I've been trying to deal with it. But at this point, I can't see dropping $400 to fix the motherboard to a computer that is 4 years old. So now I ordered a new HP Touch Smart, but it'll be a week before it arrives. Some higher being in this world (or maybe I'm just full of excuses) just doesn't want me to work on that damn research.

I hear Trevies waking up.... Time to play!




(2 flying leaps | fly with me)

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
7:46 am
Yes We Can! Finally! 

current mood: hopeful

(fly with me)

Monday, January 12th, 2009
11:30 am
I've started a dozen posts over the last few weeks. Some of them got to be 5 or 6 paragraphs long. But I never end up posting them. I don't really know why. I think they're just too damn depressing or angry or whatever, and I don't want this to be that way. I don't want to remember it this way - to look back and think that I was grumpy all the time, because I wasn't and I'm not. I just don't spend a lot of time processing that which makes me happy. So when i feel the need to write or narrate, it is because I have all this muck marinating around in my brain and I want to make sense of it.

School has started back, and thank god I'm only teaching at one school now. 2 was just way too much. I've been itching (ok, not really, I'm dreading it but I just want to finish the damn thing) to start back to work on my dissertation, and as luck would have it I can't seem to get my hands on a copy of SPSS to save my life. I tried calling in a few favors at school, god only knows how long that will take but I'm crossing my fingers. I don't think there is any realistic way I will finish by May, but dear god please let me finish by august.

Trevor is a riot these days - god, he is funny.  If you ask him "what does a bear do?" he growls. If you ask him, "What does a doggie do?" he sticks his tongue in and out about a thousand miles per hour because Jen's dog is constantly licking him. His vocabulary has exploded. I swear that on Christmas day he only said Bye bye, Mama and Dada. And maybe Kitty, though that might've been a fluke. Now he says: apple, hi, asa, papaw, monkey, book, boat, car, fish, round and round, elmo, bert, oh no.... a few other things I'm not able to think of right now. This morning he woke up and I heard him talking in his room, he just kept saying "oh no," over and over. He also started gymnastics this past Saturday. For more Trevor fun, check out my youtube page. I will be uploading some new videos over the next few days.

Scott and I drove past our lot yesterday and they finally put up a "sold" sign! Hooray! I wish like hell they'd just start building the darn house. But then, Scott sent them an email yesterday telling them some changes we want to make, so I guess realistically we can't start building until we have all the plans finalized, but god I'm anxious. Ever since we signed to build the house, my own house has begun to feel like a prison. Don't get me wrong, I love this house, but it has just become overtaken by Trevors stuff, I can't work in my basement because I never really organized after moving back from Purdue, I have laundry everywhere because all my clothes go in Trevor's room, and I can only do laundry when he naps and then I can't put it away because it'll wake him  up. I used to just suck up the fact that we had no dishwasher, but now I wash dishes and I just want to cry. It is strange. It felt like we were looking at houses forever, but none of that has seemed to take nearly as long as the 2 months since we agreed to build the house.

So now, trying to actually finish a post, since I wrote the above about 7 hours ago. I accomplished very little today. I'm waiting for my wonderful husband to come home because he's stopping at the grocery store for a few things so I can make one of my highly delicious batches of chicken chili... mmm... it is one of the very few things that I cook that I actually like.

(fly with me)

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008
9:45 am
There are days when I wish I wasn't a parent. NOT because of my son. I love every single moment I spend with him. But because, apparently, being a parent makes you FUCKING CRAZY. I am so fed up with my mom, dad, and Scott's mom I can hardly see straight. I am so terrifed that one day I'll make Trevor just want to write me off entirely. That I will become so out of touch with reality that he'll just tell me to fuck the fuck off.

current mood: annoyed

(2 flying leaps | fly with me)

Monday, December 15th, 2008
7:06 pm

My dad is mad at my sister, which means.... naturally, that he's not talking to me either.  So he hasn't spoken to me since Thanksgiving day.  I truly don't care, but damn it, get over yourself and come and see your grandchildren.  His problem is that he won't give up until we agree with him, and we're not going to and he's not going to agree with us. Normal human beings just agree to disagree, but not him. It is frustrating.

Love, love, love to Teresa.  She got m 3 classes to teach in the spring. I don't know what strings she pulled to do it, but I am eternally grateful. She was slated to meet with the dean today with hopes of finding out what sorts of positions might be available next year that are more long-term than term adjunct.

Last night we went to the Festival of Lights. Trevor loved looking at all he lights. He was just mesmerized.  I know I win Rotten Mother of the Year award, but we haven't put our tree up yet and I am not going to put it up at this point. So he doesn't get to see beautiful lights here. But the most darling thing happened when we were there. I had to will myself not to cry.  It was getting late, and he was getting a little sleepy.  We had been taking him in and out of his stroller to see the exhibits. So we put him in his stroller to walk back to the entrance of the zoo and then walk the couple of blocks to the car.  He held his hands out toward me, and Scott's mom was pulling him, so I gave him my hand and he held it in his.  For like 30 minutes.  And if my finger would slip out of his hand, he'd wave his around again until I'd hold it. It was the most simple gesture, and I'm sure in 10 years he'll be mortified, but it warmed my heart beyond anything.

Today I went to Jen's sonogram!  I swear I saw a penis, but I'm not saying anything because I don't want to be embarassed if it turns out that I am wrong, but it sure looked a lot like what I saw when they announced that Trevor was a boy.  But her placenta has moved back up so that is very good news indeed.

One more week of school.... one more week....

I am in holiday-shopping-hell.  I'm trying to surprise Scott with a new TV, and every time I find one that I like and is a decent enough price, the stores are all sold out of them! 

More to write, no real motivation to do so.

(fly with me)

Monday, December 1st, 2008
5:53 pm

It just figures.  I started writing a post the other day about how great things were going.  Life was peachy, everything was going my way. happy happy happy.  

today I find out that UC is cutting all term adjuncts for the spring. I've already been replaced at NKU because my plan was to work at UC and work on my dissertation. So I can't go back there. Pretty much every university is on a hiring freeze.  I fail again. My $ was going to go for paying for part of the new house. So I've got about  6 months to figure something else out.  

:::sob::: I love my job.  I get no respect from students, the pay is really not much at all, I get frustrated out of my mind by student apathy, but I love it.  I love every minute of it. I don't want to leave.

current mood: crushed

(2 flying leaps | fly with me)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008
10:22 pm
I wish I knew how the hell to turn off my mind and just get some sleep.  It seems like night after night, I'm so tired and I go to bed, but at some point in the middle of the night I wake up, and I just worry. I worry, think, worry, ponder, worry, and try desperately to fall back asleep. And I worry on things that don't even deserve to be worried about. I fret over how much grading I have to do. I put so much pressure on myself to get all these assignments back to students the very next class period, even though most professors keep things for weeks. I try to write extensive feedback so they all know how to make improvements. I worry about things I have no control over. Like interest rates or the stock market.  I worry about things that might happen some day in the potentially far off future, like what if Scott wants to leave me someday. Or what if one of us gets a terminal illness. What if Trevor develops autism? What if we have another baby and something is seriously wrong with him or her? What if I'm never able to find a faculty position that I'd like here? And if I'm not worrying about things far beyond my reasonable control, then I just lay there and my mind races about other things. Like a television show I might have watched. Or how I want to decorate our next house. Or a song in my mind. Or I obsess over how I just can't shut my mind off and go to sleep.

So I spend all of my time exhausted and wishing to god I could just get one good night's worth of sleep.

Back to grading. :P

(fly with me)

Wednesday, November 19th, 2008
11:06 am - Hmmmm...
So, hm. Monday, I was at work and between classes I was hungry, so I opened a package of pop-tarts and ate one of them. I was going to save the other one for another day.

So, here it is, another day, and I'm hungry. But, as I look around my office . . . I can't find my pop-tart. I share an office with several other people. Would someone really eat my pop-tart? I have another package in my desk, but they are strawberry where the one from the other day was cinnamon, and I'm really craving the cinnamon! 

(fly with me)

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